on the shelf

on the shelf

to live like a rag doll
tossed along days,
drowning in disposable dreams, and
fearing death who visits constantly like a friend
lovingly indelible in living memory.

Live! and die, alone; unknowing,
awaiting the supple touch of skin on loveless plastic.

I am as much rag as I am doll.

toyed by emotions and hollow-- where words
don’t fit and melt into eyes
that shine like mirrors--
shallow and reflective,
where you see nothing but yourselves.

I await an end that I do not want to meet,
a leap of faith into nothing but faith itself,
I fear death--
to leave my thoughts like a book

never to be read again.

--Imran July '07

the reality of sin

it was good fun while it lasted i suppose, but pretty soon we're going to have to revert back to our brutish lives. its kinda amusing really, i dont think i would fit the personality profile of a manic depressive, but hey weirder things have happened; for example the tv show Lifeline.

i sorta find comfort in my room, this sanctuary that affords me the protection from everything else that is happening around-- albeit a messy sanctuary. there is something soothing in the mess that surrounds my bed, whispering in my ear constantly that there are no expectations; no demands. but being a recluse is hardly an option, though the grotto that is my messy room is definitely a tantalizing enclave. in response to this, i do believe that i'm starting to care little about what other people may say, or think for that matter. our actions have always been governed not by our sheer will, but by the expectations and demands of others around us, and the ability to pull myself away from this curse as we may have it, is simply liberating. but then again, how successful can any one ever be?

weekends are always welcomed, because it gives me the opportunity to turn to people. but on weekdays? my mind as a companion would suffice.

you will never be so lonely, till you tell yourself that you are.

it seems that i do have a knack of letting my blog down. oh well, now that i've swept aside the cobwebs and godforsaken carcasses of god knows what off my blog, i think i might just do a bit more updating here. it is after all one of the few places i can safely embed my thoughts, with half of the world's population probably thinking that this site is dead.

all i can say, is that ns is slowly draining the life out of me. sometimes, i dont even recognise who the hell i am. flustered and bothered arent exactly the words people would use on me, but right about now, theyre an apt summary. i cant quite figure it out, but things are just depressing-- for the lack of a better term. no grand description of this state of affairs, just shell- like, barren, desolate, and skeletal would do.

god knows this isnt what i wanted.

sometimes in life, youre driven by one purpose or the other. you look forward to another day, full of anticipation for what awaits around the corner. but at other times, you just float along. purposeless. empty. its a dreadful feeling. hell, i cant even bluff myself with false motivations anymore. lets hope its just one of those random lull periods in life.

this is such an ugly post for some reason.

they say, that this is the period of time when you will rely on your friends the most. so its quite telling when i'm grappling with myself in this mutilating darkness.

i'm slowly dying i assure you; maybe i should beat it to that final twist of the knife.